If Seireitei Were A Brothel
by Sarshi
Summary: ...or a chain of brothels. The plot bunny for this spent too long under the couch with the dust bunnies, getting high on roach dust, so this is CRACK. With a plot. All pairings I can think of will be included. Byakuya Does Not Agree with this fic :D


_I bring to you, under the _horrified_ eyes of **Kuchiki Byakuya**, with many excuses towards _**Tite Kubo**_, the original creator of _**Bleach**_... _

...And not getting money from this, although that would be nice,

The **All-New**! Fanfiction about how _Things Went Wrong_ and how _Some Things Went Worse_ and O_**ther **_S_**uch**_**, **an adaptation the likes of which has never before attempted and which hopefully will never be attempted again...

_Written by the creator of Humble Shopkeeper (a tale of an entirely different nature, but this comment is of no import),_

**If Seireitei Were a Brothel**

_Complete with this humble editor-critic's notes._

_何何何何何何何_

**Chapter 1**

"_**Because we are amorous, we hold that in reverence." **_

_(Note: It really is not this author's fault that the motto doesn't make sense. It is an adaptation of the original, just as amazingly obscure, motto)_

_何何何何何何何_

_(Note: these __何何 __things are the scene breakers. They translate to English as ellipses, etceteras, or, alternately, "What?What?What?What?What?" - it is my honest belief that they are inserted as hints to the reader for many characters' reactions to the plot. Of course, this, as any other point suggested in literary criticism, is up for debate)_

2:23 AM, Friday, Karakura

A butterfly flew in front of the moon. This of course did not make much sense, since butterflies are day creatures, but it did make it more mysterious, especially since the butterfly was black and accompanied by a small, dark haired woman dressed in a long, dark coat under which a belly dancer's costume could be seen. She was not the sort of person you would associate with a belly dancer in any way, shape, or form, but she wore it with as much quiet dignity as she could muster, considering that the small coins around her hips jingled at each and every step. She was _not_ happy.

She could feel something in the area, but whether it was a strong spirit or rich client, she couldn't tell. Not anymore. Somehow her two sensors had merged into a single one and now she got the same premonition for both evil spirits and rich businesspeople. Not that there was much of a difference between them to start with.

So she kept walking. And kept hoping for the best. Unfortunately, she didn't know what the best meant nowadays.

...Thus the blade is swung down. _(Note: This ominous sentence refers, of course, to the sword of fate. It is a classical metaphor, but it also works in a literal interpretation, considering the fact that this woman shall be revealed to be a Shinigami – word literally meaning "god of death", here to be interpreted as "reaper" - and she uses a sword in her line of work. Also, considering the Fates, three in number, the first to spin the thread of life, the second to measure it and the third to cut it, it also means that somebody's life just ended. However, considering the fact that she doubles as a prostitute and the premonition may have been for a "rich businessman", the sentence "Thus the knickers of fate are swung down" would have been a more interesting take on the classic metaphor and a more parody-friendly one. Unless, of course, he couldn't pay and she murdered him, case in which we will commend the author's choice of the first version.)_

_何何何何何何何_

7:13 PM Friday, Karakura

A quiet, irritated, orange-haired boy was scratching his head as a thug screamed bloody murder at him. His eyes were brown. His name was Kurosaki Ichigo. He had the dangerous, life-threatening profession of high school student. And he wasn't taking shit from anybody. Do not let the head scratching distract you. He had just knocked a thug down and was just knocking the screaming second one down, too. He had a reason, though. A very good reason. An amazingly good reason that will make all readers sympathize profoundly.

He was insane.

Well, more or less. He could see spirits and believed that it entitled him to kick people's asses when they didn't respect the dead. This is generally a very good reason to be qualified for insanity,

(_Note: Schizophrenia - Any of a group of psychotic disorders usually characterized by withdrawal from reality, illogical patterns of thinking, delusions, and hallucinations, and accompanied in varying degrees by other emotional, behavioral, or intellectual disturbances. Schizophrenia is associated with dopamine imbalances in the brain and may have an underlying genetic cause._)

but, in his case, truth was on his side. There actually were spirits. Well, _a_ spirit. A little girl who'd asked him for help chasing away the thugs. She got that help when Ichigo screamed "Shouldn't you apologize to her?", pointing in her direction. The thugs, of course, couldn't see spirits. What scared them off was the youth who qualified for a trip to the nut house (_Note: See Schizophrenia right above)_.

Kurosaki Ichigo was a doctor's son and he had been able to see spirits since as far back as he could remember. The other thing he had also been able to see since as far back as he could remember was whores dressed in various costumes and swinging around swords. Both he and his sisters came to the realization of the realities of life – in the shape of death and sex – quite early. Needless to say that his father had kept avoiding the subject, claiming that all he could see was thin air (instead of spirits) and innocent youths and not-so-youths (for the other category). Finally, Ichigo had conceded that his dad just didn't see things. Kurosaki Isshin was an innocent, as far as his children were concerned.

So, that night, when, after a good round of getting kicked and kicking his father,

_(Note: Child abuse - the physical or emotional or sexual mistreatment of children. It does not qualify here, because Isshin is a good guy. Plus, Ichigo, not only being able to fight back but getting at his father in return, makes this qualify as a rare case of parental abuse with a child perpetrator. But, Isshin not being bothered by this, and actually starting it, it does not qualify as parental abuse, either. It does count as an abusive relationship. Maybe. Sort of. Err.)_

Ichigo noticed a woman dressed in a long overcoat draped over a belly dancer's costume come through his window and saying "It's close now...", he screamed bloody murder and kicked her down. It was not a nice thing to do to a lady, he thought after that, but people who come through your window at night qualify as burglars, usually, even if their immoral job of choice is supposed to be another one.

His father heard the commotion, rushed into Ichigo's room, then rushed out crying, complaining to his dead wife's poster that their son had become a man so early.

After a few seconds of silence, Ichigo looked down at the woman.

"Guess he wasn't an innocent after all," he said.

She decided to ignore that statement for the sake of her own sanity and explained to him who she was and what she was doing there. It was a long explanation, which prompted him, in the end, to say:

"So you're a shinigami, and you come from a place called Soul Society, to exterminate an evil spirits. Ok! I'll believe you!" And then, crying out loud in a mood swing _(Note: See psychology to further diagnose his case)_: "Yeah right, like I could believe that, retard!"

"You can see ghosts, but you do not believe in the existence of shinigami!" she said, surprised, ducking away from a flying table.

"Of course not! Look at the way you're dressed! What the hell is up with that costume? If you were wearing a kimono or something, maybe I'd believe you. _Maybe_. Jeez, honestly, some people. You're dressed like a... like a whore. Which you are," he finished lamely. "I've seen you ar-"

"You have spewed nonsense," she interrupted, Not Amused, then bound him with bakudou. She explained the whole drill to him, how the shinigami sent good souls to heaven and how they killed evil Hollow spirits. She also performed a soul burial in front of him. "A shinigami has three duties," she said. "Those first two, and..." She paused.

"And?" Ichigo said, not amused at being bound.

She lowered her eyes and nearly spat, "Working in the Heavenly Brothels. We... used to have a home of our own, but... Things... happened. And somebody said we dealt with death, so... So... So."

"I'm not getting it," Ichigo said.

"You don't have to," she cut him off. "It isn't relevant!"

(_Note_: _This is obviously an allusion to "__**La petite mort**__," French for "the little death", a metaphor for orgasm_._ Interestingly enough, a recent study on the subject says that "To some degree, the present results seem to be in accordance with this notion, because female orgasm is associated with decreased blood flow in the orbitofrontal cortex, a part of the brain that is crucial for behavioural control." The author of this suggestion in front of Seireitei is not mentioned, but bets are being placed very liberally for both Kyouraku Shunsui and Kurotsuchi Mayuri, possibly the one situation ever in which the two could be considered just as likely to have done something)_

That was when the Hollow attacked. True to the original Bleach storyline, Ichigo freed himself from the bakudou under the shinigami's amazed eyes, ran out of his room to discover his entire family injured, ran out of the house to discover the Hollow and ran into the Hollow's way and nearly got the shinigami killed with his stupidity. She became too injured to fight, so she put her sword through his chest (with his consent) and gave him her power, recommending herself as Kuchiki Rukia.

_(Note: This passage could be reinterpreted, considering the theme of the story, as a role-reversal between male and female, as the sword is a well-known phallic symbol. While the shinigami has female physical traits – such as short stature, frail appearance, large eyes – and Ichigo has male physical and personality traits – tall, rebellious, fighting spirit –, the authority and higher knowledge of the shinigami imposes possible paternal traits upon the image of the shinigami. Unfortunately, this creates a very disturbing mental image, if one considers a father, a son and a woman combined with phallic symbolism, so readers are advised to forget this trail of thought.)_

What resulted was one boy with one hell of a large sword.

Rukia's inner wide-eyed monologue looked like this:

"How could... It was only supposed to be half... But all of my power was taken... Furthermore, this feeling... That time... It seems like an invisible filter is out there... How could I have not noticed it until now! It is as if a great power and a great feeling are hindering my senses. That was him! That room was filled with the spiritual force pouring out of him... That had completely confused my senses...! I feel like flying, it was his presence, so thick, so raw, so young... I have never seen a human like this! I have never been so out of touch with my client-seeking senses, because he attracts all of my sensors! He is a diamond in the rough, raw power and client material! I have never seen the zanpakutou, which changes form in response to the individual shinigami's spiritual power... Become so LARGE! It's HUGE! This guy, exactly... Who is he? Is he compensating for something? Or... Oh, my... Is he... Is it a proof of..."

Meanwhile, Kurosaki Ichigo fought, blissfully unaware of the fact that this was not the original Bleach story and somebody was having lewder thoughts about him than she should have had.

_(Note: It is the critic's humble opinion that the author desires feedback for this chapter, as is customary. The exact words were, I believe, "_Give me all you've got! And all pairings are open! State your favorites and let's get this show on the road!" _Which suggests that the story is flexible and may accept recommendations, straying gently or not so gently from Tite Kubo's original_)


End file.
